08.02
I just got back from running errands a while ago. As I was on my bike, I was thinking about this image. I think it is a good metaphor for how I have felt for a long time. And it is probably how most people feel.
The idea of a linear timeline of history is a convenient metaphor, but I think it’s pretty obvious that real life is much more dynamic. Thinking back over the road I have travelled in my life, I see many cycles–many times I made the same mistakes in slightly different ways. I also see how I have made great progress in some ways, but that I also have a lot to learn.
I have often marveled at how amazing “ordinary life” truly is. We start our lives unable to do anything, but over time, our bodies and minds develop in such a way that we can interact with the world around us. Hopefully, we can use this incredible opportunity for more than just satisfying our own “needs”–we can help other people and also share what we have learned. I have always viewed my life as a learning process, with the goal of becoming the best person I can possibly be. To the extent that I have grown and succeeded in becoming a mature, sensitive, and intelligent adult, I am satisfied and grateful to my parents, friends, teachers, and everyone who has helped me. But for the most part, I am humbled by just how far I have to go. I often feel frustrated at how little progress I have made. I think most people would probably feel the same about their lives.
On the way home, I had a thought: perhaps there are two basic kinds of journeys. The first kind is where we have a specific destination or goal in mind, and the second is where we have little or no idea of where we will end up, but we focus on the journey itself.
The first kind of journey is the kind we take when we are rushing to work, or when we are going to take a trip. Whenever I go back to the US, the flight always seems to take too long, and I am so impatient. I am focused on the destination, and getting there are soon as possible. Then again, we sometimes dread the destination, whether it be a problem, pain, death, or even a place we have no desire to be.
The second type is a journey of discovery. We might enjoy just watching the passing scenery, as we move toward an unseen terminus. Sometimes, the finish line is just too far into the future, or perhaps we are simply more preoccupied with our current location.
Although the latter might seem more enjoyable, the fact is that we often need to have a sense of how far and how long the road ahead will be. While we might enjoy beautiful scenery on a leisurely Sunday afternoon trip, when our current situation is painful or difficult to manage, it is often hard to just sit back and relax. We have to get somewhere better!
So neither type is always good or bad. It depends on the situation. Sometimes, we have to focus on the destination, and sometimes we have to move forward, confident that we will find our way. For a long time, I have been moving towards a goal, but I haven’t been sure of where I was actually going.
In the coming weeks, I will take a small step towards what I hope will be a new chapter of my life. I will begin taking online courses from universities in America. For now, I will just take a class or two for fun, and see how it goes. I am not enrolling in a degree program or even committing to anything yet. But, aside from Japanese lesson courses at Seattle Language Academy and a Japanese translation course at the University of Washington, I haven’t taken any classes for ten years. And it has been ten years now since I took any classes for credit. Of course, I study on my own a lot. But when you have to read and write something for a course, where you will be evaluated…that is a different thing altogether.
I have to say, I am pretty excited. It isn’t a big deal now, but who knows where it will end… 
